I’m working my way through a journal called, Be Yourself Everyone Else Is Already Taken. A guided journal for introspection & self-discovery. The first section to fill out says;
The most memorable moments spent with my father:
That’s difficult, because I didn’t have a lot of moments with him that I can remember. I do have two though that I can remember fondly. One of them was the first time that I can remember my dad actually helping me financially with anything. I needed new tires for my car. At the time I had a working email address for him and I reached out and asked him if he wouldn’t mind helping me. He agreed. He not only came over and helped me get new tires but my alternator also went out on my car at that time and he stopped by my parents, picked me up and took me to the auto parts store to buy a new one. That was the first time I think I had ever drove alone with my dad in a vehicle. I had to have been 17. How strange is that? To have recollection of the first time your parent took you some where, as an almost adult? I’m sure that when I was a baby before my parents split up, maybe he took me some where, but I wouldn’t recall it. I just remember the joy I felt, thinking that my dad was actually stepping in to be a father. I was happy. I was hopeful. It felt good. He fixed my car & went back over the pass to his house.
The next spring, I had stayed the night with my best friend. It was the night before Easter & that Easter morning, we work up and her dad made us chocolate chip pancakes. I grew up with this family. It wasn’t as if my best friend was my friend and her family was her family, she was like my sister and her family were like my parents, my brother, my aunts, etc… I love her and her family. Even to this day we may not talk as often as we would like or see each other as much as we would like, but the love is and will always be there. If you’re reading this – I love you all.
Ok, I got distracted. Back to my story…
We sat down in the living room and had an awesome breakfast. When Kenny, my friend’s older brother got up from the chair he was sitting in, I got up and took his spot. When he came back in, I went to give him his spot back and he said
“no, that’s ok.”
I said no really, you can have your spot back! He then was quiet for a second.
He then said, “We’re all just trying to find our place in this world, aren’t we?”.
I was kind of unsure what to say to that. I just said, are you ok Kenny?
He smiled with his typical Kenny smile and just said, “I’ll be fine”.
I thought he was right.
I left shortly after breakfast, went home and then went up to my grandma’s house where I always celebrated holidays. I was there a very short time, maybe a half hour or 45 minutes when the phone rang. My aunt or grandma answered the phone, I can’t remember which… “Brandy, the phone is for you. It’s one of your friends”. I was kind of confused because no one besides my mom had ever called me at my grandma’s house. I answered the phone and I can’t recall her exact words, but my best friend said something like,
“Bran? You need to come back here.”
Why? I asked.
“Kenny is gone. He’s dead”
I remember feeling so confused. Are you serious? – I remember saying.
“Yes I’m fucking joking. No I’m not! He killed himself!” then sobbing came through the phone.
I knew I had to leave and be with her. I was crying and I just told my family I had to go, because there was an emergency. My grandma was super annoyed with me that I was leaving, everyone else was confused, but my priority was getting out of there and rushing to be with my best friend. She needed me. They were all fine. As I ran up to my car, I heard my dad’s footsteps rushing behind me. I opened my car door to get inside and my dad stood in the way of the door so I couldn’t close it. He asked me what happened. I told him. I told him what Kenny had said earlier and that I felt like I should have known or done something more. My dad assured me that I couldn’t have done anything. That sometimes people hurt so much inside, that they can no longer deal with the pain. He told me that it was good that I was leaving to be there with my friend. He told me that he wanted to come out and talk to me so that I wasn’t driving upset and he wanted to make sure that I was calm enough to drive before I left. He said I would be no good to my friend if I got in to an accident on my way to be with her. He gave me a giant hug and held me while I loudly let tears and sobs out. Finally, I felt more in control of my emotions. I felt like I could within reason calmly drive myself to be there. And that was that.
On one of the worst days of my life because so many people I love were in so much pain, my dad was there.
Kind of crazy how these things happen. My mom has and will always be my person. I automatically turn to her when the world gets hard. But in that moment, my dad was and I hold on to that moment. It was a horribly moment but love shined through my dad when I needed it.
Forever, Finding Calvin.