“You should exercise mommy because you haven’t exercised in a long time.”
“You should exercise because I want you to be healthy.”
“Your mom should have given you vitamins when you were younger because then you wouldn’t be unhealthy now.”
“Is there a baby in your tummy?”
“You’re so squishy!”
These are some of the things my children have said to me today. Some of them were shocking. Some of them made me chuckle, but if I’m being honest, none of them felt good. Guilt kicked in. I feel embarrassed. I make sure to never talk about body image things around my kids. I never talk about being overweight or anything. I do talk about being healthy and how I want them to eat healthy foods because I want them to have healthy hearts, bodies and minds, but that is the extent of it. I’m very mindful about it, but they do have eyes. They do see that I am shaped different than the other mommies we see. They do see that I visit the doctor a lot. They do see that I can’t keep up with them. They, see me. For what I am right now. An unhealthy mom.
I feel like I don’t know what I can do for myself to train my mind to work differently – eat this, not that. Do this, not that. I don’t know how to gain the ability to just do what I need to do to lose weight and meet my goals. It’s incredibly frustrating because I know what the right choices are. I just don’t make them. I fucking hate it. I literally am just so upset at myself right now for being where I am.
I did do a home work out video tonight, for the first time in the longest time. I feel better for having done it, but before, I would think here in that inner warrior bitch! She is here to kick ass and lose weight and reach goals. This time I feel like, here we go again. How many days will I make it before I fail again? How many times before I decide to skip “a” work out, that leads to months of skipping work outs.
Have any of you been in this place before and successfully pulled yourself out? What did you do? What can I do? What the hell is the thing that I haven’t tried that will finally make me put working out first and eating healthy over all of the bad choices I make over and over again?
I don’t want my kids to see me as different, as unhealthy. I don’t want to be the fat mom. The mom who can’t keep up. The mom the children are eventually embarrassed of. I’m so sick of this you guys. Utterly and fully sick of it. I don’t know how to help myself. So I’m asking for help.