I had just made ramen soup and veggies for the kids and I. I went to clean up the plates and knew my all too common these days nose bleed was coming on. I leaned over the bowl I was cleaning up, just in time to catch the initial pour of blood.
I ask the kids to grab mama some tissues. My daughter runs and grabs me some while my son lays on the table in front of me, examining my face.
“Ooooh no mama. Oh nooooo. Your face ok mama? Where all that blood come from mama?”
Both kids have seen my nose bleed seeming 100 times. It’s nothing new. But this time they could see it. The exhaustion. The longing to be normal. To feel normal. To not have to say “Sorry babies, we can’t do anything today because mama doesn’t feel good. Again.”
If my nose isn’t bleeding, something hurts. If something doesn’t hurt, I’m nausious. Or I have an infection. Or a migrain. The list goes on.
I have felt so shitty for so long that I had actually stopped talking about it quite a bit to most people if not everyone. I mean, yeah I would maybe comment on a symptom that I was having here and there but not fully announcing everything that I’ve been going through. I feel like a burden. I can literally feel the annoyance when I talk to some people about it. I know they’re tired of hearing about it. I’m tired of hearing myself talk about it. But at the same time it’s like I’ve kept all of this bottled in for so long people to hear me in order to validate that I’m not just crazy and that I really am sick.
I actually wrote the above part of this post last night. This morning I find myself in the urgent care with a kidney infection. An antibiotic prescription is being wrote up for me now and I’ll be discharged soon. After this round of antibiotics I’ll be forced again to try and get my gut in order, again. Two rounds of antibiotics on a gut that’s already so fucked up just has me cringing. But I’ll fill the prescription and push forward in hopes that some day, SOON, I can live without all of these side affects of what ever is the cause of them and that it can be found an healed. Until then, I am hopeful.